but the lows are so extreme, that the good seems fucking cheap.

i'm not sure how to even write with my thoughts in proper order. i just know that sometimes when i'm alone in my room my thoughts get the best of me. i am overhelmed with my worries and i begin to lose my breath. i want to scream and cry but nothing comes out. my chest starts to feel heavy, like someone is pressing down on me and i can't get up. i'm beginning to think that everything i thought about life is just a fantasy. finding the perfect job, the perfect man, the perfect life..it's not what it's about at all. it's so much more than that. it almost feels like if this all ended, it wouldn't matter. life would still go on and everything around me would eventually fade away. it's not a bad thought. it's not a scary thought. it's almost a relief. like i'm not afraid to die. i know that this world has so much to offer, but it's like i'll never get the satisfaction of making my life complete. there isn't anything out there that really makes me want to be. i know i will still try to find that, and maybe someday i will, but right now it's like there's something missing and it can't be found. this is all so complicated and i'm not sure if i'm supposed to be upset or content with this.

i really wish i grew up in the late 60's. i wish i hung out with andy warhol and smoked cigarettes in the factory. i wish i protested against the war and had long flowing hair. i would wear a flower behind my ear. i'd meet an activist boy with shaggy brown hair and i'd claim it's love. we'd write poetry in parks and make love in the afternoon under willow trees. he'd tell me i was magical. but then he would break my heart and my free spirit would be shattered. i'd start going to underground punk rock shows and lose myself in liquor. i would go home with every boy because every boy would know who i am. i was the girl with a broken heart. we'd shoot lines on cracked mirrors and eventually that would not be enough. i would find a rock star boyfriend with dark eyes and he would tie an elastic around my arm. he would take that needle and prick it into my arm, my blood captured inside the needle. it would look like red clouds in the desert and i'd fall backwards into his sheets, shut my eyes and dream. i would see myself as a little girl, running in a park with a kite in the sky. my mother would laugh and pick me up and twirl me, her laughter filling every pocket of air around me. i would remember what she smelled like. daisies. my rockstar would probably leave me at a party somewhere and i would find his arm around another girl. a younger girl. i'd smash my glass on the ground and walk off into the night. i would stumble down a dark lane and disappear into the night. i would never be seen again.
only a remembered as a faded memory.

Tuesday Morning.

So I woke up this morning with the scent of coffee lingering in the air (my Mom makes a pot every morning. Thanks Mom..I can always count on you!) I rubbed my eyes and shuffled out into the bright living room. Mom was standing on the balcony, coffee mug cupped in her hands. From our view you can see the mountains clearly and perfectly. The sun is beating down on the trees and after days of gray, I believe it's a sign that today is going to be a wonderful day.
I eat some breakfast, listen to a bit of music, then head to the washroom to shower up for the day. I've got my towel ready and I'm turning the hot tap on but nothing comes out. Not a single drop of water. Great! Turns out they're putting a new boiler system in our apartment.
The phone rings. It's my aunt, she's inviting us out for lunch. I look in the mirror and roll my eyes at my reflection. I am not going out in public like this. So, Mom leaves, hugging me and saying she's sorry, while I'm stuck inside, watching her walk down the back alley from the balcony. I guess this day wasn't going to be so wonderful after all.
Oh, sun, how deceitful you can be.

Unsure of Love.

Ever since I was a young girl I have always dreamed of finding that special someone. I have never thought about dating several people, like on tv shows, where they go out on dates every Friday night. I always just expected that I would find one person who would want to be just with me and I would want to be just with him. And I did have that, for a long time. At first, of course, it was wonderful. Learning all the new things, spilling your secrets, learning to trust that someone. I really thought I had found him (and it may sound stupid because we were so young, but I really thought "this could be the one", but I guess that's what happens when you fall in love for the first time). And now..well, now I'm single and I've become one of those dreadful "daters". I absolutely hate it, but to be honest I don't know if I even believe in one special person. My past relationship has made me so damn cynical that I don't even put effort into anyone anymore. I've met people that have potential but I somehow find something wrong with them and stop seeing them. Maybe it's because they are not the one for me, I don't know. I know that you can't search for love, and that's not what I'm doing. But I remember a time when I would do every little thing just to make him smile. I miss being excited about love. I miss waking up and thinking about him first thing. Will I ever have that again? I'm bound to find someone else, sure, but I really don't believe that I will ever look at love the same way. He ruined my idea of love and I'm really scared I'll never get it back.

Daylight Savings.

Well, this is my first blog. I actually heard about it from this guy I used to work with and since he was pretty much my journal (early mornings with him I seemed to have let everything pour out..he was a good listener) and I no longer work (or live in the same city) with him this will now be where I let my random thoughts reside. Yes, you will see a mish-mash of ideas all blurred together in one paragraph. Someone once told me that messy writing meant that your hands couldn't keep up with your thoughts. I guess it's the same with poor sentence structure (okay, it's not really, but it makes me feel better about my horrible grammatical structure). So, tonight (or this morning) is daylight savings. Why do we need this? Purely for businesses to have longer hours during the summer. It's strange to think that we have created this simply to please ourselves. Greedy? I'm not sure. Maybe it's just a smart business decision. Speaking of business, I had a job interview yesterday and for those of you who don't know me well I am completely awkward! The interview was fifteen minutes of uncomfortable silences and poor milk foamage (I was nervous, okay?) Anyway, I don't think I'll get the job but I have another interview on Monday (wish me luck..or send me some confidence!) so hopefully that will go a little more smoothly. Okay, it's 1:15 in the morning and I should probably take this body of mine to bed, where my mind can think of a million things for hours on end until I slowly fall into a deep sleep. Good night!