but the lows are so extreme, that the good seems fucking cheap.

i'm not sure how to even write with my thoughts in proper order. i just know that sometimes when i'm alone in my room my thoughts get the best of me. i am overhelmed with my worries and i begin to lose my breath. i want to scream and cry but nothing comes out. my chest starts to feel heavy, like someone is pressing down on me and i can't get up. i'm beginning to think that everything i thought about life is just a fantasy. finding the perfect job, the perfect man, the perfect life..it's not what it's about at all. it's so much more than that. it almost feels like if this all ended, it wouldn't matter. life would still go on and everything around me would eventually fade away. it's not a bad thought. it's not a scary thought. it's almost a relief. like i'm not afraid to die. i know that this world has so much to offer, but it's like i'll never get the satisfaction of making my life complete. there isn't anything out there that really makes me want to be. i know i will still try to find that, and maybe someday i will, but right now it's like there's something missing and it can't be found. this is all so complicated and i'm not sure if i'm supposed to be upset or content with this.